Dear Nancy, I have been dating a fantastic gentleman

I have been dating a fantastic gentleman that I met online for about 4 months now. To be honest, he is my dream come true, and I think he really treasures me as well, although we have yet to be intimate. The issue is that although he tells me he really cares for me, he says he is still not ready to be “exclusive.” Is there something I could do to get him to commit, or should I just give up on him?

  • Marianne – 66 – Bryn Mawr

Dear Marianne,

I can appreciate your frustration of dating a man you like for four months without a commitment. This dilemma is occuring more and more, particularly with some men because of a lack of ability or fear to commit and the reality of having so many online choices of new and ever more enticing women that are readily available online. My advice is to neither push him to commit, nor just give up on him.

I recommend instead that you take this opportunity to become the best you can be and keep your options open as well. It is uncanny how many of my clients (both men and women) take the opportunity to get into fantastic shape, take up another fun sport, travel to exotic locations, and work harder on their career. In other words, focus on your own life!

Thus, don’t make yourself too available for him until he does commit. It is a good thing you haven’t been intimate yet, since he has not declared his desire to be “exclusive.” Do ask him what it will take for him to decide if and when he is ready for commitment and exclusivity. The less you talk and the more information you can illicit from him the more empowered you will feel.

While still dating him, get back online and go enjoy yourself. Of course, this time around, be sure to ask the men you like if they are prepared to become exclusive and what they are looking for. It wouldn’t surprise me if when this man you admire sees you prettier and more fit, dating other men, running off to exotic locales, and having the time of your life without him, he will realize that he better commit or he will lose you forever. If he doesn’t commit soon, he will probably lose you forever, because another amazing gentleman will surely show up who knows just how lucky he is to have met you. After all, how great can a man be for you who after four months still does not know what he wants?